What I am about to say is nothing new to me, however if I type it out, I have to be held accountable for it.
I have anger issues.
Any of you that know me well, know that this is so horribly true.
I bottle everything up inside me until it comes out in a brutal, hateful, salty mess of tears rush.
Unfortunately, from a young age, I thought that getting angry was a very bad thing. I saw my parents arguing, I saw people at school arguing; everyone and everything was yelling at one point, and this obviously terrified me so deeply that I just shut out all need and desire to be angry.
Because of this, I try to be positive and happy about -everything-, which is far more emotionally draining than just getting angry in the first place.
Ask anyone that knows me on an emotional level – it could be having heard someone sneeze in such a way that it bothers me, that sets off an entire tidal wave, nay, tsunami of feelings and anger that has been building up steadily for what may actually be -months- on end.
Tragic, but true.
Two things got to me today, one being work, because it seems to be the bane of my existence, but then again….. having to work for a living is absolute balls because it causes me to care about things I just don’t feel arsed to care about. Such is life though, so I got over it.
Another thing that got to me is how you so often need to bark back at people, in order for them to understand what is going on.
This goes for customers, agents, employees, friends, family, etc.
I don’t understand, nor will I ever truly understand, the need to lash out at those people around you that are freaking out at you, for whatever reason, and refuse to listen to whatever it is that you’re saying.
I honestly don’t understand it.
If I have said something, and you refuse to accept what I’ve said, I will say it again, same tone, same volume, etc. If you take tone with me, I will not take it with you, I will simply remain calm and continue along the same path that I have been going down. Rarely will I ever actually lash out and take a tone with you; collectively.
Even still, there are times, when I notice that even I have to break my pattern of just…. letting it be.
I will take the same tone you have taken with me, I will deflect your own tone and misunderstandings back onto you.
You will then be made to feel like an absolute piece of yadda yadda, and you will then be made to feel like a complete arse.
I don’t know how I managed to learn this skill, but I’ve noticed it gets better and better every time I let it loose on someone.
To point out their own mistakes by taking tone with me, and treating me as they did.
I really need to learn how to rein it in sometimes, though, because after that exchange, I’ll feel so emotionally drained, and so ready to shut myself off again, instead of grounding myself and letting it go.
That’s when the hateful bursts come into play; instead of letting it go, I -do- shut down and keep it all bottled up inside, then something very small will happen, and I’ll lash out. I’ll get so angry I black out, or not so seriously, I’ll burst into tears and lose all cognitive function of the things that come out of my mouth.
It’s been a while since this has happened. Well, not so long, but I was able to control it a little better.
But mostly, it consists of me crying, shaking, being hateful to everyone and everything, and the ceasing ability to care about anything that I’m saying.
It’s hurt a lot of people, but apparently it’s also very funny to watch me come undone during one of these times.
I picture it like this –
Face bright red, eyes glistening, my hands and upper body shaking, as the rest of me is completely, terrifyingly rigid, all the while, inside I am hulking out to no end. This is something I hope is seen by the eye as well, that under the crying and shaking, as well as the inability to speak properly, I can be seen turning green, or just a deeper shade of red, and my muscles are getting bigger, everything bigger… thus Hulking out.
I doubt this happens, but it usually helps me to calm down a little bit because I can’t imagine me a hulking mass of anger.
To be honest, if I knew that going around randomly punching people that piss me off by just existing sometimes, wouldn’t have any repercussions, you can bet your arse I’d be a ball of ginger fury, fists flailing and legs just a-going.
However, due to the fact I am scared to spend any time in jail outside of hilarious pranks brought on by RCMP officers around the country (given I’m an RCMP kid), this does not happen.
Not to mention, I talk a lot of tough, but in the situation, I am definitely a -flight- instead of fight type person. If I could, I would use small children as human shields, to protect my wonderfully shaped, though large ass, from being pounded into the road for whatever reason.
Emotionally though, I am cruel. I can say some of the worst things, and mean them, and you will damn well know it and feel it. I am a bleeping force to be wreckoned with when I so choose. So help me that it’s on my terms though.
I’m like a frigin brain ninja. I plant seeds of doubt and loathing all over hells half acre when given the chance, because I know I can, and because sometimes you need to be put in your place.
ALL of this being said, I am actually the nicest person you’ll ever meet. I will bend over backwards for complete strangers just knowing that the Pay it Forward rule doesn’t discount anyone in this funny, hysterially challenged game of Life.
I’ve lost my way in this post, mostly because I am at work and on lunch typing it up, however it just boils down to the point that without tea, some occasional candy binges, some damn good friends, as well as the love of my life (other than M) in my love of books… I have some -serious- anger issues that I should really take a look at via therapy, because even the medications I’m on don’t stop me 100% of the time from flying off the handle, nor not letting go of the stupid things.
Now to get more tea at work, because goddess forbid I should go even 45 minutes without fresh tea at work.
Talk about hulking out, eh?