It’s definitely been one helluva week ladies and gents.
I’m desperate for this evening to be over so I can go home and crawl into bed, with the hope of sleeping for a full 8-9 hours, given I’ve missed out on at least 3 weeks worth or more of sleep lately. My goodness.
M is out partying tonight, started early at about 4pm. I wish I didn’t have as many concerns, and trust issues as I do.
I called him before I started work and talked to him about my concerns. He told me I have no reasons to be worried or jealous, which I know – however the pain, the hurt and insecurities I have and have experienced….years worth….they can’t just go away overnight. We’ve been together since the very end of October, so I know that we’re not exactly new at this, either of us, together or through own experiences; still, not overnight.
I trust him so much. And that’s what is scary. How much I do trust him, and how deeply I love him.
That was a shitkicker in and of itself, realizing how much I love him. Scared the shit out of me. Still does. He knows this, I know it. It causes me to miss him and ache for him. Also scary.
He’s been partying before, and is always busy or doing something, and he’s never given me any reason to doubt him, or not trust him. In fact I’ve brought him close to the edge of me just by accusing him through my concerns. I’ve hurt him deeply twice because of my doubts and lack of trust. He trusts me completely. And he loves me completely. He wants to marry me, and when I look into my future, I see me with him forever. So much so that one lifetime doesn’t seem enough.
Oh my god, I’m going to force myself into a panic attack here….
Anyway, I’m at work and shouldn’t get all emotional and deep, even while on my lunch, I’ll never recover, haha.
It’s ridiculous at work. Busy and just….ridiculous.
I need this evening to be over, so I can just go home and sleep.
I wanted to update because I had those things rolling around in my head. Now they’re out…. It’s kinda boring, I know.
Take care all
2012 was not my friend, as you could tell slightly even just by following things.
Now we’re into 2013 and I couldn’t be happier for that fact alone.
I am dating a wonderful man. He treats me like the princess I apparently am. I’ve a lot of work to do in this regard, given how severely damaged I am; trust issues, sexual issues, security issues, etc etc, the list goes on and on and stretches as far back as the year 2000, so yeah… Good luck with this one, my good sir M. < that's what we're going to call him.
I'm working in a call centre. Again. I love the people I work with, but dislike the people I have to associate with. It's money, a good job, for a good company, therefore I continue, day in and day out. We'll leave it at that.
Two of my best friends are pregnant, one ready to pop, Feb 5th, the other, about 20 weeks along. I'm the anti-woman, who loves them both dearly, but is still freaked out about babies.
Poor M, because he wants me to have his babies, and I actually want to, for the first time ever with a man, but it's still not gonna happen until I'm at least 28. No sooner.
I'm going to get on another weight loss journey this year. Last year I lost a total of 22 pounds. Not a whole lot, really, and I'm kind of disappointed. I was very stressed and my weight fluctuated so much that I am surprised I managed to keep a handle on how much weight I lost in an actual healthy manner.
All of this being said, I do actually need to get to work, and start getting ready for another insane night dealing with things that don't concern me, but thankfully, I have this weekend off.
I am going to try and start updating this more often, given that I have the time, and it's a new start, to a new day, to a new life and I'm feeling good, despite the many emotional breakdowns I've had since New Years Day….
Love and light to you all, I hope this year has been good to you so far.