The Catholic In Me Says I’m Bad…

My dearest blog, and readers,

 

I am taking this time to update you past that previous post.

I have taken a  lot of time this morning to figure out why I have been so hateful, impatient and .. well… bipolar.

Those that read, will already know that I am bipolar, for they are people I have in my life; those that don’t know me in real life, so to speak, you know now, that I am bipolar.

I am not dangerous or a harm to myself or others, I’ve a very small “form” of it.

 

Anyway, I have medication that I take for this, and around Christmas time, I had stopped taking it, as I couldn’t find them. I looked for a few days, then gave up. I could feel that I was fine. I wasn’t suffering any side effects from just dropping off them, and I figured that even if I did, I was stable enough at that time anyway.

It takes about 5-6 weeks to slide out of your system finally, and when it does, you’re damn near suicidal with all the horrible thoughts and such.

It doesn’t seem like it would be worth it, no? I’ve been on it before, that thankfully that’s the only reason I would take something like this; because once it plateaus, it’s wonderful.

So, anyway, I’ve found the bottle, and have started taking it again, yet of course, it’s thrown me for a loop and I’ve damn near ended friendships, relationships and told customers where to go and how to get there.

I thank the Goddess that I’ve been able to bit my tongue on that aspect, with my work, but I do desperately need to apologize and make amends to some people.

 

Moving on, though.

You’re wondering about the title? Well, if you’ve read my “first” post, you know roughly what that’s about, and tragically, it’s true.

It began two nights ago, when I was fairly certain I had chosen my new magickal name. When I really sat down and thought about it, and what it meant to me, I wasn’t sure. So I had decided to send it back (forgive the expression) to have the God and Goddess think on it for me.

(I do have it now, by the way)

Anyway, so I didn’t update, and I didn’t use a name in a circle for Imbolc, because I never did the circle for Imbolc. I was depressed and hateful and so ughhh, that I truly couldn’t be arsed. I didn’t even read the blessing for Imbolc. I just couldn’t be arsed, in every way.

When I got home, I read my daily devotional prayer to the Goddess, but it didn’t make any difference.

I feel terrible, and guilty, like the God and Goddess are judging me and looking down their noses at me, for not being arsed to perform circle on one our of holy days, the Sabbat of Imbolc. 😦

I know they’re not looking down on me, trust me, I know. They’re in no way punishing or vengeful (unless you’ve taken it upon yourself to disregard out law of “‘An It Harm None”) about how you choose to celebrate all life through them.

However, the Catholic in me is truly eating away at  me and it’s causing me a new kind of hell.

With that said, I will be resuming my studies, though not as vigorously as before, because I found that even at work, I put so much into it that it drained me. So I will be reading my paperback novels that I have stock-piled.

(I must stick to them because with the bus strike, I don’t have the means or ability to go and get my Kobo Touch e-reader)

Therefore, I don’t exhaust myself in my own faith, and don’t get those, CBA (can’t be arsed) feelings when really, it’s wonderful.

So.. I should go. I need to get some cereal and tea, then I need to start getting ready for work. But I also want to see if I can step into a quick circle, or meditation drift and see if Cernunnos and Danu have officially ruled on my magickal name.

Because I can feel in my heart what it is, as it represents me and what I do in my magickal path. But you never know. 🙂

 

I’ll update in a little bit once I’ve had the time to myself to eat, drink, be merry and smile.

Blessed Be, with lots of smiles.

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